Rusty

Rusty the iguana is my best friend. He spends most of his time eating kelp off of the ocean floor but he often finds time for us to hang out, usually at Chili’s. On some days we’ll go to the park and menace the chipmunks. One time we took our shenanigans a little too far and accidentally killed one of them. But, before anyone of authority noticed, Rusty ate the whole chipmunk so that we wouldn’t get in trouble. He always has my back whenever we get into tight situations and I always have his. That’s the way friendship works between me and Rusty. Solid.

The other iguanas often have feelings of jealousy and envy because Rusty and I are such great friends. They would try to sabotage our hang out sessions by booby trapping my car with high explosives or setting my house on fire or taking my cat hostage even though I don’t have a cat. I would often tell them that nothing they do, no matter how destructive or insane, can come between me and Rusty’s friendship because it is tight and it is sturdy and real. It is forged in friendship steel like giant friendsteel I-beams that could hold up a very tall office tower and is packed with very heavy telecommunication equipment and bowling balls.

His favorite outfit of all time is his tiny, custom made fringed jacket and his tiny cowboy hat. The attention he would garner whenever he was out with that getup was incredible to witness. Everyone at the mall would go crazy and swarm us. One time we were buying nunchucks and a line formed behind us as we were paying. It was compromised of people who just wanted to take a picture with Rusty. Mall security would often have to shut the stores down because people would inadvertently start rioting because they were so happy to see me and Rusty. More jealousy from the other iguanas, of course. Nobody rioted when they were around. People just tried to shoo them away or murder them with specialized poison pellets that were developed especially for iguanas.

Rusty’s favorite food is toast. He doesn’t like butter but he does like me to squarsh a sea cucumber on top of it and then spread it around. It’s pretty goddamned gross but that’s the way he likes it. Sea cucumber guts all squarshed around a piece of toast. The type of bread didn’t matter to him. He liked all kinds of bread of any kind of grain, but it had to be toasted and it had to have all sorts of gross things on top.

Last week, unfortunately, Rusty and I hit a sour patch in our relationship. I wanted to go to the movies and he just wanted to stay at home and do some heavy day drinking. I slightly suggested that maybe he take a little break from the liquor and focus on his art. This, of course, led to a huge fight. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to hide his Glock the day before as he began an active search for it when the argument reached its full zenith. The day seemed to go on forever as Rusty descended into a full drunken rage around the town. He tried to hijack a car so he could drive to the track and bet on the horses. He was really out of control. The police were called in and they even arrested me for contributing to the delinquency of an underaged vegetarian sea reptile. I was taken to jail where I was severely beaten because I accidentally snitched on a man who was a member of a very powerful street gang.

Rusty is now sitting in a glass aquarium at a pet store down the street that sells dangerous animals. That’s where we originally met. I hope he finds peace someday. I know that I will never forget the good times we had. Most of my injuries that I received in jail have healed, although I can no longer do math. As for those other iguanas who spent all of their time being jealous of me and Rusty’s friendship, well, I hope they find a friend who was as kind and thoughtful as Rusty. I hope they find a friendship that is as strong as an office tower built out of friendship I-beams and filled with telecommunications equipment and bowling balls. And most of all I hope they never snitch on someone who is in a street gang, especially someone who is planning on robbing the First Federal Bank on the corner of 6th and Freemont on February 12th at eleven o’clock in the morning. That kind of mistake can get a person killed.