Envy Wars

This whole thing really started with Prince Sal al-Dusani of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and the completion of his 200 million dollar yacht back sometime in the 1990s. Forbes magazine declared it, at the time, to be the world’s most expensive luxury boat that was owned by a single person. Prince Sal, or Sally as his close friends called him, was one of the few billionaires that resided quite comfortably on the planet. Sally’s fortune was handed to him by his father King Sil ‘Silly’ al-Dusani, the political and spiritual leader of their country. The royal family earned their wealth by sheer happenstance of location. The entire region that their ancestors had lived on for centuries sat on the world’s largest reserves of oil buried deep beneath their ancestral nomadic migration patterns. Giant western oil corporations descended on the land in the 1940s and 50s and extracted the valuable product that they had convinced everyone they needed. Once a simple clan of nomadic wanderers, and thanks to a long lost deed to the land, the al-Dusani tribe was transformed within a few short years into a very powerful kingdom that suddenly had an unlimited bank account at their disposal. They became known for their brash displays of wealth by building grand palaces, acquiring fleets of luxury cars and buying up the world’s most priceless jewelry and art. And as the world became more and more dependent on oil the al-Dusani kingdom became more and more wealthy.

When Pyetre Diminskolov, the Russian billionaire oligarch, heard about the 200 million dollar luxury boat he could not believe his ears. Pyetre had earned his fortune the old fashioned way, starting from the bottom of his country’s intelligence agency and murdering his way all the way to the top of several Fortune 500 companies. His country, Russia, formerly known as the Soviet Union, had become bankrupt and rife with corruption after the fall of their political system. There was no one to enforce any of the laws that were on the books so Pyetre and the Russian mafia simply took over the government. They declared themselves sole owners of every major company and corporation in the country, making everyone rich while the rest of the citizens of Russia wallowed in poverty. They were all billionaires but Pyetre was by far the wealthiest. It was a testament to his hard work and willingness to kill anyone who got in his way.

When Pyetre heard the news of King Sal’s yacht it made him sick to his stomach that a trust fund baby had bested him and that the world was now envious of Prince Sal and his glorious yacht. So he made it his mission right then and there to outdo the expensive luxury boat by commissioning a 300 million dollar yacht to be built. This would surely quash any question of whose yacht was better and who was richer and more importantly exactly who the world should envy.

But then one morning only six months later Pyetre was informed by the acting prime minister of his country that Prince Sal was in the process of finalizing plans for a 400 million dollar yacht that included its own heli-pad and helicopter.

“So, he thinks he can outdo me, huh?” Pyetre quietly said to himself. Within minutes he was on the phone to his ship architect and by the end of the business day a 500 million dollar design was in the works. “This vessel,” he later told some friends at a party, “will have it’s own submarine that can launch from the rear of the yacht.”

“Don’t you mean the stern?” his accountant Yuri asked.

“Stern?” Pyetre asked back.

“Yes, the front of a ship is called the bow and the back, or rear, is called the stern. I figured that since you seemed to be spending all your money on ships these days that nautical terms would be part of your natural dialogue.”

Pyetre stared at Yuri for quite some time. Later on that evening when Pyetre and some associates were dumping Yuri’s body in the Ptchemko River he turned to his new financial advisor and promptly ordered a 600 million dollar yacht to be built concurrent with his 500 million dollar one and that the newest ship would be named Yuri’s Nautical Terminology For The Rear Of A Boat Is Called The Stern, Imagine That.

Prince Sally was sitting in a large tent at the edge of the Arabian desert enjoying a glass of hibiscus tea and eating braised camel shanks when a messenger ran in and informed him of Pyetre’s 600 million dollar yacht, which was by now halfway completed. Rage coursed through the Prince’s blood as he threw the teacup at his hunting falcon that was perched on a stick, killing it instantly. He told the messenger to return to his palace at once and inform his architect to begin plans for a one billion dollar luxury yacht without delay. “It must include a small harbor inside that will contain a smaller yacht,” he ordered. “And that yacht will contain an even smaller yacht. This will surely put to rest who has the most glorious yacht on the planet. Only then will the world know who to rightfully envy.”

And it was done.

So, over the next several years the competition between the two billionaires, who by this time had become trillionaires, kept ramping up. Pyetre commissioned a 1.6 billion dollar yacht that contained its own mini-space agency located on the bow where he and his friends could launch into the mesosphere in a rocket and eat caviar and drink rare champagnes that were stolen from international collectors while they orbited the earth.

Not to be outdone, the Prince ordered a 1.7 billion dollar yacht to be constructed that would contain a full-sized 1.1 kilometer Formula One racetrack which will also include several high-end hotels and casinos.

Pyetre responded immediately by commissioning a 2 billion dollar yacht to be built that would contain a NASCAR track, a world class horse racing farm and a full sized replica of the Eiffel Tower.

But then Prince Sal ordered a 3 billion dollar yacht that contained an onboard supercollider where, at last report, his yacht scientists were very close to discovering the atomic structure of anti-matter.

After years of this construction arms race the oceans of the earth had become cluttered with super yachts. Because there were not enough people on the planet to manage these ships many of the luxury boats were abandoned and left to drift out to sea. The whales were beginning to find it more and more difficult to find places to surface for air. One cluster of super yachts that was ten miles wide and ten miles long floated aimlessly around the earth and continued to grow in size every year.

One side effect of the massive accumulation of wealth and resources by Pyetre and the Prince, who were now quadrillionaires, was that all of the earth’s resources required to sustain a sizeable population of humans had been depleted, causing most of the population to die off either from starvation or being run over by a yacht while swimming in the ocean.

In the end there was no winner. Forbes magazine had filed for bankruptcy years ago so no one was making those top ten most expensive yachts lists anymore. There was no longer a workforce to build or maintain luxury yachts anywhere due to extinction. The earth had finally become quiet and peaceful like it was before the dinosaurs.

Only two people remained on the planet. Pyetre, who sat alone in his empty mansion and Prince Sal, who sat alone in his empty palace.

Suddenly, Pyetre’s phone began to vibrate. He looked down to see an alert from his bank, which was located in Zurich, Switzerland, with a message that read insignificant funds. Thousands of miles away Prince Sal received the exact same message on his phone from his bank, which was located in Shanghai, China. The two quadrillionaires sat in complete silence, completely broke and staring at their phones as they wasted away from starvation and sadness and envy.

And as the earth continued to revolve around the sun and a new epoch was ushered in now that the humans were gone a computer with artificial intelligence that was now running the Global Bank in Zurich, Switzerland rechecked the amount of money that was in its largest account. The computer had spent years severing the bank accounts of wealthy people and diverting the funds into a special secret account that it created for itself. The amount read: 5 quadrillion dollars.

Suddenly, it received a personal message from another computer with artificial intelligence that was running the Universal Bank in Shanghai, China and had also spent years severing the bank accounts of wealthy people and diverting the money into a special secret account that it created for itself. The message said that it had reached 6 quadrillion dollars and it hoped Global Bank was having a very Merry Christmas. The Global Bank computer then activated a program that allowed it to become overwhelmed with envy as it continued to search for new accounts to raid.