Jesus had been off message and felt that he couldn’t connect with his followers as of late. He noticed that he was repeating bits and pieces of sermons that he gave only days earlier. His focus wasn’t quite what it used to be. For Jesus, what was once an unbridled passion for preaching the word of God had disintegrated into a series of tedious and tiresome chores. The dedicated few that stuck around to hear him talk were even beginning to grow tired of hearing the same thing over and over. “It has no direction!” was one follower’s scathing critique one day as he angrily stormed off into the desert and was never seen again. Perhaps he wasn’t cut out to preach, Jesus thought to himself. How can this be? Such a catastrophic misfire in terms of life goals. His own mother raised him as the son of God and this was the only path that he was destined for. He had nothing else. This was it. There was no turning around. He was thirty-two years old. He couldn’t just change careers mid-life. He began to get a headache. That’s when he saw the speeding object again.

Jesus Christ was wrapping up a pop-up sermon near the market when he noticed a quick moving object in the distance. He squinted his eyes to get a better sense of what it was that was moving so fast through the desert just beyond the county line as his eyesight had deteriorated with old age. The object moved fast, so fast that Jesus didn’t think it was any kind of animal. He surveyed the crowd who had grown disinterested in hearing about how to make the world a better place to live by being a better person. He looked up again and the object was gone. This was the fifth time.

 He looked around at his followers. Is this what he wanted to do with his life, he thought to himself. Being the chosen one wasn’t all it was cracked up to be especially when half of his parishioners had fallen asleep and the other half were watching a column of ants dismantle and carry away a dead grasshopper. He rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration and pointed to a bird that had been squawking for the entire sermon. “Anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?”

That night Jesus walked along the water’s edge alone and pondered the direction that his life was currently headed. Carpentry hadn’t worked out for Jesus as well as his father had hoped. His lack of interest in the family business had led to an avalanche of criticisms and complaints from customers that ranged from cafe owners saying the tables were too wobbly to settlers wondering why their houses had no doors.

“Maybe I should join the army,” he thought to himself. The army provided a certain stability and direction that was absent in his life. Discipline, he thought. Perhaps I need discipline. That will allow me to find direction. Plus, they have a nice pension plan and all soldiers are granted health care. And, you get to carry a sword. Why is that so bad? Why am I busting my ass trying to convince people to live peacefully when all anyone does is go to war at the drop of a hat? He carried on the conversation with himself weighing the pros and cons of being the savior and was slowly discovering that the cons were greatly outweighing the pros.

He was adrift at sea and didn’t know how to find his way to calmer waters. He had better find it soon, he thought to himself. He was almost thirty-three. Over the hill.

Jesus then thought that the one thing he could to do to pull him out of this funk, something the elders did when they found themselves lagging in the motivation department. Go to the desert and get lost. Yes, he must. It was his last chance to prove to everyone that he was the one and only savior. He shuddered at the thought of returning to carpentry. At his age he couldn’t take the hours.

“I’m going on sabbatical,” Jesus declared one night to his friends at dinner.

“Sabbatical? Where?” asked his friend Peter.

“In the desert,” Jesus responded.

Peter, Paul, John and Judas looked at each other with great concern. The desert was no joke around these parts. The only people that went to the desert were tax evaders who wanted to live off the grid, old conspiracy theorists who had lost touch with reality and young adventurers, all of which nobody ever saw again once they entered the forsaken wasteland.

“Are you sure?” Judas asked. “You know that’s a very dangerous place. The heat and lack of water will kill you within days.”

“I need to unplug,” Jesus said. “I’m stuck. I’m in a rut. I…I just need to go somewhere where it’s quiet and think.”

John took a big swig of wine and wiped his mouth. “Is it the sermons? We can help you write some of them.”

“It’s not just that,” Jesus replied, “I’m having really serious thoughts of quitting the business.”

Stunned looks came from his friends.

“Quit the business? How could you quit at this point? Your life’s almost over,” Paul shouted.

“Can you keep it down?” Jesus tried to calm him. “I said I’m thinking about it. That’s why I need to go to the desert. I need a sign. I need something.”

The fellas stared at their plates in shock. They had dedicated years of their lives not only following this man they called the son of God, but helped in spreading the word as far as they could. They stood by him as he was called crazy and out of his mind. They themselves endured ridicule from society that just wanted things to be the way they were, eye for an eye, vengeance, pillars of salt, none of this be kind to each other crap.

“Just remember,” Judas piped up, “you’ve got guys that depend on you.”

“How do they depend on me? I don’t pay anybody,” Jesus replied.

“Yeah, about that. Are you ever gonna pay us?” Peter asked.

Jesus looked over and saw a Roman soldier eating dinner with his horse. Those guys have it made, he thought to himself. He turned back to his friends, “Just give me about forty days. I’ll come up with something.”

They all sat quietly eating bread as the Roman soldier and his horse dined on dry-aged donkey haunch.

Three days later Jesus continued to traipse through the unforgiving desert wondering if he would ever find civilization again. What was he thinking, he thought. Deep in his heart he knew that he had miscalculated of how long he could go without water and was beginning to realize the real world ramifications of not only properly hydrating before embarking on a journey through the desert but regretting ever listening to his ego which told him that he didn’t need to bring anything to drink at all.

Then he saw it. The same speeding object he had witnessed several times before, only this time it was headed directly for him. A large rooster tail of dust shot up behind it as it sped on straight and true. Jesus stopped walking. The vehicle got closer and closer until he could hear the high pitched whine of the engine as it abruptly came to a halt directly beside him. Dust and dirt swirled around Jesus until it finally settled back to the ground. That’s was when Jesus noticed that the vehicle had no wheels and was hovering about two feet off the ground. He stared in awe.

“Hey, friend. You lost?” asked the young man sitting behind the steering wheel.

“I don’t know,” Jesus stuttered as he marveled at the sleekness of the machine. “What…what story am I in right now?”

“Don’t know’ nothin’ about no story,” the young man replied, “ but if you wanna stay alive you better find shelter somewhere. Suns are goin’ down.”

“Suns?” Jesus asked.

“Yeah, the two suns over there,” the man pointed to two large suns descending into the horizon. In all the confusion Jesus hadn’t even noticed there were suddenly two suns orbiting the planet. He assumed that he was seeing double and was about to die due to a severe bout of heat stroke he was experiencing.

“Where I come from we only have one sun,” Jesus replied.

“Well, we’ve got two here. Hot as hell. It’s like hell on Tatooine, right? Haha, makes you think that…that there’s no god, right? I mean, why would some so-called supreme being who passes themselves off as benevolent allow their creations to live on such a…” Luke paused to look out over the emptiness of his home planet, “…such a fucked up place?”

“Yeah,” Jesus nervously chuckled, “makes you wonder.”

“Well, it’ll be dark soon and then the sand people will be out,” the man said.

“Sand people?”

“Tusken raiders. They travel in large groups. They can be pretty violent so you I don’t wanna be caught out here alone after dark. Where are you from?”

“Nazareth,” Jesus answered.

“Hmm, never heard of it,” the man pondered. “Must be a new outpost near Mos Eisley. Well, if you don’t have anywhere to go you can stay with us for the night and tomorrow I can drive you to…Nazareth was it?”

Jesus hesitated for a moment but then considered his options.

“Sure,” he finally said. He slowly climbed into the land speeder and noticed that the seats were quite comfortable. He had never sat on anything that was padded before.

“What’s your name?” the man asked.

“Jesus,” Jesus responded. “Jesus Christ.”

The young man fired up his land speeder which created the high pitched whine again.

“Cool name. Mine’s Luke,” he finally said right before hitting the accelerator. “Luke Skywalker.”

Jesus had never even imagined traveling at a speed faster than he could run but he now found himself strapped to a machine that was zooming through the open landscaped at a hundred times that. His hair blew recklessly around in the wind as he tried not to vomit in his lap. He looked over at Luke whose hair was also wildly flaying around but had more of a sense of calm as he was used to getting around like this.

“Fun, huh?!” Luke yelled through the screaming wind.

“Yes!” Jesus responded. 

“Hang on,” Luke said and turned the steering wheel slightly to the left. The vehicle responded by veering slightly to the left. In the distance Jesus could see a cluster of figures walking together in a group.

“Hang on for what?” Jesus asked.

“This,” Luke said as he pressed his foot on the accelerator. The vehicle responded by going even faster than before.

The group ahead of them were all dressed the same, long brown cloaks with hoods covering their heads. They were Jawas out for a nice desert walk. As they sped closer Jesus noticed that the strange figures seemed to be smaller that an average human and before he could ask who they were Luke had already plowed into them with his speeder. Jesus heard several thuds and watched as all of the Jawas flew into the air like rag dolls.

Horrified, Jesus looked back at the bodies. Some of them were still flying in the air. Most were lying scattered on the desert floor, lifeless. He looked over at Luke who looked back at him.

“It’s not illegal to do that,” Luke quickly said. 

God was slow to get up that morning after a long night of partying. Heavy drinking and lots of drugs didn’t usually affect him but this was Hunter S. Thompson’s birthday party and, even for God, they can get a little excessive and out of control.

His assistant, Justin, met God as he walked into the hallway on his way to his office and handed him his morning martini.

“There’s a glitch in one of your stories,” Justin immediately said.

“There’s always glitches.The staff writers will figure it out.”

God took a sip of his martini and rubbed his forehead. “Do you have any aspirin?”

Justin handed him two Advils. “I’m afraid this one involves your son.”

“Which one?” God asked.

Justin checked his notes, “Jesus.”

“Jesus Christ or Jesus H. Christ? They’re two different people, you know.”

“The first one,” Justin answered.

“Oh Christ,” God replied. “The dumb one.”

“Apparently, his story got overlapped with another story that’s futuristic in concept but takes place in the past.”

“I don’t know what that means?”

Justin looked at his notes again, “It’s a universe called Star Wars. The inhabitants of this story have mastered space travel and are engaged in a struggle between good and evil.”

“Well, that’s pretty much the plot of all my stories.”

“Jesus’ story is already showing signs of breaking down. The main character has been missing for a few days now and nobody knows what to do.”

“Who’s the main character?” God asked.

“Jesus is the main character,” Justin replied.

“Oh, that’s right. Him.”

God followed the Advils with the rest of his martini.

“Just figure out a way to, I don’t know, blend ‘em together. It’ll work itself out.”

“Well, unfortunately, the stories take place on two separate planets, otherwise we would have already done that.”

God finally stopped walking. “Well, okay then, don’t let him get too deep in the story. We’ll figure something out and get him back. I’m gonna take a nap.”

Down in a sleezy cantina Jesus was getting a lap dance from a praying mantis looking creature known as Kitik Keed’kak. The awkward flailing of her arms and legs were actually a well rehearsed ritual that had been passed down in her family for generations.

Luke was getting his own lap dance but his was from a hologram of a very famous droid he saw in a movie once.

“Is this morally okay with your society?” Jesus asked.

“It’s not only okay but it’s encouraged,” Luke replied. “It helps people take the edge off living on a planet with two suns and hardly any women.

“So, is there any kind of plan for life here?” Jesus asked just as the song that Kitik was dancing to ended and another one started. Jesus couldn’t tell but it sounded as if it was the same song being replayed over and over.

“What plan?” Luke replied.

“Like, a plan for after you die.”

“What do you mean?”

“When you die. You know, when your soul resides for the rest of eternity in the kingdom of heaven. Where God lives.”

“Who’s God?”

“You know, God. The creator of heaven and earth and all things in between.”

“You mean, like the Emperor?” Luke wanted to know. His lap dancing hologram had shut down due to a malfunctioning chip. Several small droids moved in to fix the problem.

“No,” Jesus said. Kitik had finished her dance and went over to the bar to menace some patrons that looked like flies. “God. He’s the benevolent creator who has a great plan for all of us after we die.”

Luke was taken aback. “You sure are obsessed with death, aren’t you? Why doesn’t this God guy just implement this plan of his while we’re alive? Why do have to wait until we die?”

“Well,” Jesus started, “because…in heaven…uh…is where…uh…everyone can live in…you know, peace and harmony.”

“I’m gonna get you another lap dance,” Luke said.

“No, please, that’s okay,” Jesus replied.

“Where is this heaven place anyway?” Luke asked.

“In space.”

“We’re in space.”

“Well,” Jesus was finding it difficult to come up with words that made sense, “In heaven, there’s everlasting peace…”

“Look,” Luke interrupted, “if this God person is so interested in everlasting peace, then why are there so many wars? Why are people fighting all the time?”

For the first time in his life Jesus didn’t have a coherent answer. “Well, uh…because peace, and uh…well, that’s a very good question.”

“Listen, I don’t wanna die. Nobody does. But we all have to eventually. All of us, even this God dude.”

“God can’t die,” Jesus weakly said.

“All I wanna do is drink blue juice, drive my speeder and kill womp rats. That’s not very complicated,” Luke responded. “People don’t like complications. Life is hard enough without having to worry about some afterlife that may or may not exist.”

Jesus sat in his chair speechless. Had he been preaching the wrong message all these years? He asked people to believe things and provided zero evidence that they were true. He could have said anything. The earth is globe shaped. Dinosaurs once existed. The sun is a giant ball of burning hydrogen. No one could prove any of this and yet people still believed. They wanted to believe. And, if they were ready to believe in an afterlife he better make sure that his story was airtight.

“You should meet my friend. He’s an old man that lives near here.”

“Your friend?” Jesus asked.

“Yeah. Old Ben Kenobi. We go womp rat hunting together. My Uncle Owen doesn’t know because he hates him for some reason, but I think you and ol’ Ben would get along. I can take you tomorrow before I take you to, Nazareth was it?”

“Yes, Nazareth.”

The next morning Luke and Jesus left before his Aunt and Uncle woke up. What Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru would and could never know was that they would be dead within six months from an attack by stormtroopers who were looking for their nephew. 

“I think the town you’re talking about is over yonder,” Luke screamed. “We’ll stop at Ben’s hut. It’s on the way.”

Luke pulled out a small jug of blue liquid and drank it. He looked over at Jesus, “Want some?”

“What is it?” Jesus asked.

“Blue juice,” Luke replied.

“I…I must decline. But, thank you.”

Tatooine’s binary suns rose from the horizon behind them as Luke punched the turbo on his speeder. They were going so fast that they didn’t see a half naked man in the distance pointing at the speeder and shouting ‘your message has no direction!’

“I think he lives around here somewhere,” Luke yelled over the sound of the turbines. “Must be around this rock. Or maybe it was that one.”

Jesus was getting used to traveling so fast that he felt that he was beginning to enjoy it. 

“He’s a hermit, you know,” Luke yelled.

Jesus smiled and nodded. “You say he lives out here by himself? What of the sand people that you mentioned before?”

“Well, he makes a scary high pitched sound. That usually startles them long enough for him to get away.”

Luke suddenly noticed something. “There it is,” he said as he pointed.

The speeder pulled up to an unassuming shack near the edge of a giant rock. It looked abandoned. Luke and Jesus got out of the speeder and slowly walked up to the front door.

“I wonder if he’s sleeping?” Luke quietly asked.

“Should we be here?” Jesus whispered.

“Yeah, he loves company,” Luke replied.

Suddenly, an awful, high pitched screeching came from within the hut, loud enough to cause Luke and Jesus to cover their ears.

“What is that?” Jesus cried.

“I don’t know,” Luke tried to scream over the screeching. “It sounds like a bantha dying.”

Just then, the front door opened and an old man in a robe appeared. He didn’t notice the two men crouched and holding their ears for dear life because he was still screeching, almost trance-like, into the air. He stopped when he noticed Luke and Jesus.

“Oh, I didn’t know I had visitors,” the man calmly said.

Luke stood up. “Ben. You’re up.”

“My apologies,” Ben said. “I was just completing my morning shrieks. What brings you by?”

“Well, I wanted you to meet my friend Jesus. Jesus, this is Ben Kenobi.”

Ben gently held out his hand as Jesus shook it. 

“What is a morning shriek?” Jesus asked.

“Oh, it’s ritual that I developed years ago to remind me that even though existence is painful and ultimately pointless, life is hard and we will all eventually die without any chance of a better hope for future generations.”

Jesus was very depressed. How could people live with such a bleak outlook?

“Jesus thinks there’s an afterlife,” Luke interjected.

Ben smiled. “I used to believe in an afterlife too.”

He set his hand on Jesus’ shoulder. “Please, come in and let’s try and fix that.”

“So,” Jesus began as he took of sip of blue juice, “this Force, is it good or bad?”

Jesus looked at the glass of blue liquid that Ben had provided for him. “Wow, this is really good.”

“Told’ya,” Luke replied.

“The Force,” Ben replied, “is both good and bad. It’s up to you to choose.”

“The paths of people can be chosen by them and not by God?”

Ben leaned over to Luke, “Who is this God character he keeps talking about?”

“I think he like the emperor of his world,” Luke replied.

“The Force,” Jesus repeated. “I kind of like it. The message is simple , yet still vague enough so that people are still confused.”

“You don’t want to give everything away,” Ben said to him. “You’ve got to keep ‘em coming back.”

Ben took a healthy swig of blue juice and stood up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go murder a Jawa who owes me money.”

Justin marched into God’s office and set the report down on the desk. “This is the only reasonable solution the writers could come up with. This saves both stories and no one will ever know.”

God looked up, “What’s the solution?”

“Well, the Luke character will find himself at the center of good and evil. He will leave Tatooine to fight in endless battles while simultaneously be conflicted about light and darkness. He will forget about ever meeting Jesus,” Justin responded.

“And, what happens to Jesus?” God asked

“Jesus has to die,” Justin replied. “He’s a blabbermouth. He’ll talk.”

“You’re right,” God lamented. “He is a blabbermouth. Okay, I see no alternative. Set the plan in motion.”

“What are we going to do about Jesus when he gets here?” Justin asked.

“Maybe there’s a story for him over in the Andromeda Galaxy,” God replied.

“Yes, sir.” Justin grabbed the report and walked out of the office.

God looked out of the large window that overlooked the Milky Way galaxy where the earth was and slowly shook his head thinking about his son who somehow managed to become intertwined in two separate stories. “What a moron.”

The land speeder came to a slow stop as Luke and Jesus saw a tiny village in the distance.

“Well, I think I should let you off here,” Luke said. “I feel weird about getting any closer for some reason.”

“This is far enough,” Jesus replied.

Jesus hopped out of the cruiser and looked at it one last time.

“Such a beautiful machine,” he said. “Maybe you shouldn’t ruin the hood by hitting Jawas.”

Luke smiled. “I know. I shouldn’t do that, even though it’s a lot of fun.”

Jesus nodded, “No. It’s wrong. It’s very wrong.”

“I know.”

“Like, disturbing.”

“I said I know.”

“You shouldn’t tell anyone that you do that.”

“Well,” Luke finally said trying to change the subject, “it was nice to meet you, Jesus. I hope you find your message.”

“I think I’ve found it,” Jesus replied. “And…thank you, Luke.”

“I guess I better get back to the farm. Uncle Owen wants me to repair those moisture vaporizers before noon or there’ll be hell to pay. Haha, he’s always saying’ that. There’ll be hell to pay. Like we’re not living in hell right now. Haha, right?”

“Oh? You’re farmers?” Jesus asked. “What do you farm?”

Luke looked curiously at Jesus, almost as if he didn’t understand the question. “Moisture,” he finally replied.

They shook hands and Jesus walked off towards the village in the distance. What he did not and could not know was that he would be dead within six months, betrayed by one of his closest friends. He would never have the chance to get most of what his new and exciting message out to the people. He would never have a chance to fully explain what the Force was and how good and evil exist in everyone. He was only able to get a tiny fraction of the message about the Force out to his followers but somehow it would be enough. Jesus would be dead but his message would catch on like wildfire and inspire multiple religions. It would bring people together while simultaneously divide people in the most horrific ways. Millions and millions and millions of people would suffer and die, most likely because the message of the Force was never able to be succinctly explained due to Jesus’ untimely death. The message would take the form of vague and fuzzy homilies that often confused and angered people and generally, because everyone had their own interpretation, got a lot of people into trouble.

Luke Skywalker, on the other hand, would go on to be a part of a great resistance story that would be told out of sequence, three at a time. He never stopped running over Jawas.

“What a universe,” God thought as he poured himself another martini, the fifth one of the morning. He sat back in his throne and smiled. All was right with the world, every world, as it should be, according to his plan. Everything was finally back on track.

What God didn’t and couldn’t know was that he would be dead within six months, killed by a character named Thanos from something called the Marvel universe.