My entire life has been dictated by fear. Don’t worry, it’s too late to change that now. I’ve missed out on a lot of things because I was too afraid to try something new, to do something that wasn’t routine, to go somewhere that I hadn’t been before or to talk to somebody I didn’t know. I always wanted to be confident enough to be defiant, especially of authority figures, but I was a coward when it came to actually defying anyone. Inherently, I’m a rule follower. I don’t like confrontation, which means I run at the first sign of trouble. I also came to the conclusion many years ago that I was weak and ineffectual and I didn’t mind dedicating my entire life to avoiding conflict and never taking chances. Now, each day that I grow older is a day that I realize what a powerless man I’ve been. But, this isn’t about me. This is about the day that I saw it, the day that I witnessed true defiance right before my very eyes.

There are two pictures above this post that were taken by Lindsey Ross, a wonderful photographer who works out of Santa Barbara. She comes down to Los Angeles once or twice a year and operates by appointment only. She specializes in tintype photographs, the kind that look like old timey pictures from a hundred years ago, so we thought it would be nice to start a tradition of having our picture taken every year as a family from the 1800s.

Tintype is a process where only one photo can be created on one sheet of metal at a time. We planned on getting two taken, one photo of the three of us and then another one of our daughter, Violet. She’s three and a half years old in the picture. I’m not going to attempt to explain what the process of preparing each sheet of metal is but I know that it’s quite complicated and time consuming, so patience on the part of the subjects is a key factor.

The first one is my wife, Cheryl, our daughter Violet and myself. The second one is a single of Violet by herself. Now, I was looking at them the other day when I noticed the defiance. Not in my wife or myself but in my daughter. That sweet, beautiful face with her light blue eyes looking even lighter in black and white staring straight at me and expressing defiance in every sense of the word. If you’ll notice in both pictures she is holding up a tiny stuffed reindeer. She brought this thing for the trip to the studio along with an Elmo doll and a stuffed bunny. Companionship can come in many forms for a child who is on the go and often times it comes down to which stuffed animal they’re most familiar with or which stuffed animal just happens to be lying near the front door when we leave the house. Loyalty doesn’t appear to be a factor in who gets to ride in the car.

On the day of the appointment we arrived at the studio ten minutes early and were already witnessing a familiar unwillingness to get out of the car for reasons that are only known to a three and a half year old human being. There were some pressing things that needed to occur, according to Violet, before any of this picture business was going to happen. She wanted to bring all of her stuffies plus some books that were in the car plus another doll that she found in the back seat, I assume for comfort. Some intense negotiations were had and we agreed to let her bring one stuffed animal inside. She chose the reindeer. Now, I had never seen this stuffed reindeer in my life and I wasn’t sure where it ranked in the hierarchy of importance of her dolls, but at this particular moment it seemed to us that she absolutely could not live without it. So, dragging her feet as any 3-year old does, she slowly walked with us to the front the studio and mumbled and groaned as we waited to be let inside. This wasn’t getting off to a good start. Kids can either be in a good mood or they can be in a bad mood, nobody knows what’s coming. Whatever was going on with her at this point our early arrival was now teetering on being late.

The process for taking these types of photographs, as I mentioned before, require a bit of patience. The photographer must prepare the tintype in a darkroom while her assistant focuses the camera. Unlike a traditional roll of film where multiple pictures can be taken, this is a one shot deal. When she pulls the trigger the camera captures one picture and that’s it and the process of preparing the tintype has to be repeated all over again. My nerves were rattled as I wondered if Violet would have the patience to remain still. We’re making a great mistake, I thought to myself. Kids don’t stay still for anything. We must be insane.

Well, the first photo would include all of us and this was going to be the test for all future family photos, in my mind. We stood in place while Lindsey’s assistant adjusted the camera for the proper focus. Violet stood on an apple box while Cheryl stood on her right side and I stood on her left. The other thing about these pictures is that you must remain perfectly still for a few seconds as the aperture opens to allow enough light in to capture the image. The depth of field is so shallow that half an inch forward or backward and you’ll be out of focus. To my relief, Violet was standing perfectly still, waiting ever so patiently. All signs of the stuffed animal incident in the car seemed to have evaporated. Child rearing, as I have learned, is managed in seconds and one must take advantage of any moment that a child is not crying, throwing a fit or bringing the entire western civilization to a screeching halt by adhering themselves to the floor.

Lindsey came out of the dark room with the negative and we were ready to go. And then I saw it. Violet was holding up the stuffed reindeer in front of her towards the camera as if was her own personal break dancing trophy. I told her to put it down and even tried to move it to her side out of frame but back up it went. Cheryl tried convincing Violet to put the reindeer down and even did one of those 5 second countdowns where the child was supposed to come to their senses by the time you reached 1 for fear of some sort of punishment. But there it stayed, front and center, dominating the frame. Violet did not look at either of us as we pleaded with her, but simply stared directly at the camera with the slightest smile on her face, perfectly still, waiting to take the picture as her parents grew more embarrassed by the second that this was all playing out in front of two professional photographers. We tried all the usual tactics; bribery and, well, pretty much bribery. “You can have a popsicle when you get home,” we pleaded. “We’ll stop by Target and get you a new doll,” we desperately tried to haggle. She just stood there, with that slight smile, staring at the camera holding the reindeer. We even asked if she could lower it a bit thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be so goddamned front and center and no one would notice. Perhaps it would be out of focus. It was not to be. She held it up right where she had it, saying nothing, just smirking. Finally, when nothing else could be done about it the photographer said that it would probably be mostly out of focus. So she took the picture. A snap then a flash.

At this point we were so exasperated we didn’t know if we should take the single of Violet. My mind seethed with rage as if I had been bested in a championship break dancing tournament by a young whippersnapper that had better moves than I did. My embarrassment focused on this stuffed reindeer. Where in the name of Lucky Charms did this fucking thing come from? Who bought it for her? I wanted names. How and why did she develop such an attachment to it so quickly? Was this going to be the last family photo excursion we ever take? Several minutes went by and we realized that resistance on our part was utterly useless. We decided to get the photo of her as well and perhaps blame this entire episode on rock ‘n’ roll music or something. So Lindsey prepared the next negative and her assistant began prepping the camera. Violet stood on the apple box by herself, once again holding up that goddamned reindeer. At this point I was losing my mind. Cheryl was losing her mind. It was the quiet, unseen internal struggle of questioning, not only this trip, but my entire existence? I kept screaming in my head, “IN THE NAME OF JOHNNY CARSON, WHERE IS GOD?!!”

The last thing we want to do is make a scene and start yelling at her. It wouldn’t help anyway. We told her that if she put the reindeer down she could have an applesauce packet. She ate the applesauce and held on to the reindeer, front and fuckengoddamned center. What was happening? Is this the end for me? Why was she acting this way? She’s three years old, that’s why. It was clear that she had us over a barrel, whatever that phrase means. Violet had made up her mind. She was getting that reindeer in that picture and that was that.

You may call this just a toddler being a toddler and you’re probably right. It happens all the time, doesn’t it? We’re not traipsing through new territory here. But when I look at that picture today I see a person defying the rules of family photo etiquette, a person doing exactly what she wants to do, a little girl holding up a stuffed animal while getting her picture taken, completely against her parent’s wishes.

I also see something else. I see a little girl who is on her way to not being like her dad. Someone who is not going to be afraid of breaking a rule or two here or there and isn’t going to miss out on life. Someone who will question authority if it comes to it, not just wish they had questioned it several days later when it was too late. Someone who will try something new if it sounds interesting and not regret it. Someone who will travel to a faraway place and expand her horizons. I see someone who isn’t afraid to hold up a goddamned reindeer in the middle of an old timey lookin’ 1800s family fucken photo as her parents have internal mental meltdowns.

And I’m happy about that. I hope Violet has none of the fears that I grew up with. I hope she isn’t saddled down with regrets. I hope she is defiant. I hope she questions authority and isn’t afraid to look at a challenge in the face and say, “Fuck off. This reindeer’s goin’ in the picture whether you like it or not.” I’m truly happy about that. And now that I think about it, it was worth it. I think we’ll make an appointment and get another one taken next year.

By the way, about that stuffed reindeer, once we got in the car she tossed it aside on the way home and never gave it another thought again.